Our story
by drmsr4drmrs
Summary: My name is Castiel Novak, I'm 22 and I have leukemia. Having leukemia introduced me to the most wonderful guy named Dean Winchester. This is our story... Rating it M for later chapters. No character deaths, so don't worry about that!
1. Chapter 1

Everyone is lead to believe that some of the best told stories start with, 'Once upon a time' but not mine. My story will bring out different emotions, from complexity, sadness, worry, heartbreak, confusion, to happiness, thoughtfulness, healing and love. I guess there are a few things you should know about me first.

My name is Castiel Novak, I'm 22 years old, and I have leukemia.

My childhood was a happy one, average even. I grew up in Lawrence, Kansas with my parents and 2 siblings; Gabriel and Micheal. We always had a loving, caring family that you could count on to be there through everything. My parents were working parents, and sometimes their jobs took them away for periods of time, but they always made it up to us by taking us on family vacations every year. I think my best childhood memory was the summer I turned 9 and we went to Greece. If you have never been, please take it from me, you have to go, you won't be disappointed!

When I was 15 I joined the soccer team, I was so excited. The excitement didn't last long though. Between my school schedule and soccer schedule I was tired all the time and soon started to develop a fever that never seemed to quite go away. My mom took me to the doctor, looks like I was just going through a growth spurt. I took my medicine like a good boy, but it never seemed to work.

After 10 days of being on antibiotics with no improvement, my mom took me back to the doctor. At this point I was losing focus on everything and really didn't want to lose my spot on the team, so I went willingly.

Dr. Mathias had been my primary doctor for as long as I could remember, but he was getting older so when he told me he was concerned about how swollen my lymph nodes were and the weight that I was losing, I just chalked it up with him being cautious. Boy was I wrong.

To make a long story short, I went through lots of test, exams and different doctors until finally I was sat down and told that I had Leukemia. The doctor explained that I was at an intermediate stage and that he wanted to start me off with medicine and see what that did first before he introduced chemo into my regimen.

You always hear of people complaining about their treatment or the treatment centers, but mine was good. Well as good as you can get with it being a cancer facility. Chemotherapy was hard, but the staff was excellent and with the support system I had, it was bearable.

By the time I turned 17, I was going back to living a semi-normal life. I was told there was a 40% chance that my cancer could return, but I was back at playing soccer, going to school and hanging with friends; I wasn't too concerned with those odds.

In hind sight maybe I should have been. The disease showed its ugly face again, but this time it was different. This time it lead me to lead the most wonderful guy by the name of Dean Winchester.

This is our story…


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: This story came out of nowhere, but felt like it needed to be heard.  
This is my first attempt at a multi chapter story so please bare with me. I'm wanting this to read like Cas is writing his story, so hopefully that comes across with this.

It was a warm, sunny afternoon when I went in to talk to my doctor about my treatment plan. I had been in remission for 3 years, 10 months and 22 days, it was a month and 9 days before my 21st birthday. Happy early birthday to me.

As I was walking in, I noticed a young man sitting by himself, starring at the wall like the wall would solve all of his problems. I remember that feeling.

Making my way over to the check in station, I saw that Anna, my favorite nurse here at Lawrence Cancer Center, was working. Anna was beautiful, long red hair, fair skin, big brown eyes, I can see how some would consider her attractive.

"Hey Anna, how have you been?"

Stopping what she was doing at the sound of her name, she came running over to be and wrapped me in one of her many hugs. As nice as it was, I felt like my lungs were going to explode due to her tight hold.

"Castiel, I was hoping I would get to see you again. Not here necessarily, and under better circumstances, but it's good to see you. You have changed a lot Cas, you look good, bet all the girls are fighting over you huh?"

Laughing with her, I couldn't help but think about how wrong she is. I'm not fighting off girls, although I do get approached now and then, but girls aren't my thing. As far as my appearance, I guess I have changed. I'm not the scrawny boy she met a few years ago, I grew a few inches and with playing soccer developed more muscle.

"Yeah I guess I might have changed, although I still have this mess on the top of my head! I wouldn't know about the fighting off the girls though, with soccer and school haven't had much free time to date."

Tilting her head, she eyed me for a moment, looking like she wanted me to elaborate more. Finally though, she moved on.

"Alright Castiel, go have a seat and I'll get you all checked in."

Sitting down, I couldn't help but to glance at the young boy again. He looked young, no more than 15, although he was already taller than me. He had long brown hair, and pretty hazel eyes, he was cute although not really my type. His expression though, the heart broken expression was killing me. Leaning his head against the wall, closing his eyes, I knew I need to talk to him. Try and show him, that even though he is here, it doesn't mean you have a death sentence.

I'm not usually the type of person to approach someone and start up a conversation, so walking over I wasn't sure what I would say but couldn't be that bad right?

"Excuse me, do you mind if I sit here?"

Getting no response, I sat down, took a deep breath and tried again.

"My name is Castiel, I couldn't help but to notice that you were sitting alone and looking like you needed a friend."

"I'm Sam, and no offense but I'm really not in the mood to talk to someone about this. I don't need someone else telling me that everything is going to be okay."

"I understand,"-

"I mean, I know that medicine now days, is better than they were even 10 years ago but that still doesn't help. They don't cure cancer 100% and until they do, I have decided I'm going to be upset at how unfair this all is."

Apparently Sam had a lot to get off his chest, he must have just found out. I wish he could see though, having this train of thought isn't healthy if he wishes to beat his disease.

"How long have you known about the cancer?

Found out last week. Its intermediate and today is the first visit. What about you?"

I was in remission for a while, but it's back. I can tell you Sam that no one can make you optimistic, you have to do that yourself, but the staff here is incredible and will help you get through this. It sucks to find out that you have cancer, but you have to remember things happen for a reason, even if we don't know what it is."

Finally he turns and looks at me, and I'm not sure if anything I have said helped with the look on his face. He has tears forming in his eyes, and a look of confusion on his face, but there is a spark in his eyes that makes me realize that as much as he is upset right now he is going to fight this with everything he has.

"I'm not the one that has…that's sick. My brother Dean is."

Oh, now to that I don't know what to say. I'm not a sibling of a cancer patient, and I know it's different. My brothers were just as effected about my diagnosis as I was. I can see that he is close with his brother and worried, but now I'm worried about saying the wrong thing.

"I'm sorry to hear that. I can tell you though that your brother needs you to be strong and supportive right now. It's hard, but you don't want him to see you like this, and have something else to worry about. I'm sure,"-

As I was about to tell him how I'm sure his brother would be ok, even though that's a lie, I don't know anything about his brother and his sickness, a woman came out and that got Sam's attention. I could see why though, she was beautiful. She was tall woman, with long blonde hair and was currently talking the nurse.

"Mom?"

"Just a minute Sam, just have to check out."

Ah that's where Sam gets his looks from I'm sure. As she walked away, I saw the guy that was behind her. That had to be Dean, and lord was he gorgeous. He was like a Greek god, tall muscular, with short dirty blonde hair, tan skin and bright green eyes that were looking right at me.

"Dean!" Hey how was it? Are you okay? Do you need to sit down or anything?" Sam jumped right to his feet and was now trying to guide his brother to a chair. He was trying to be helpful, but I remember how my brother did that and it made me feel like an invalid.

Laughing and ruffling Sam's hair, Dean seemed more amused than upset though.

"Calm down Sammy, all we did was go over my options but I see you made a friend. Care to introduce us?" Dean asked, as his eyes landed back on me.

"Um yeah, Dean this is Castiel. He saw that I was a little upset and came and talked to me. He really helped me. Castiel this is my brother Dean."

"It's nice to meet you Dean, well as nice as it can get in a cancer center." I stuck out my hand for him to shake, I was hoping he didn't pick up on how awkward that was. Laughing though, he shook my hand, and to this day, I swear to this day I felt sparks where our skin touched.

"Yeah you to Castiel. So why are you here? Moral support or.."

"I'm waiting to get called back to go over my options from here."

Dean still hadn't let go of my hand, and as much as I was okay with that, I figured I needed to take it back before anyone got the wrong idea. Even though the staff here was the best, they still liked to gossip, and I didn't want to be a part of that.

"So is this."- Dean didn't get to finish his sentence as I was called back, the doctor was ready for me.

"Well that's my cue, so I better get going. It was nice to meet you guys, see you around."

"Yeah see you man and thanks for sitting with Sammy here. He has had a hard time, and I..well I appreciate it."

"No problem, glad I could help. Bye Sam."

With one last glance at them I walked away, following Anna to see what my next move was.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: This story came out of nowhere, but felt like it needed to be heard.  
This is my first attempt at a multi chapter story so please bear with me. I'm wanting this to read like Cas is writing his story, so hopefully that comes across with this.

It was a week later when I saw Dean again. I admit that, though our first encounter was short, I had been thinking of him the past week. To meet someone who laughed and smiled after being told they had cancer was strange to me. When I found out, I went through a period where I thought life was unfair. Why did I have to have? Why did I have to be the person who has to fight for his health and pray that my life wouldn't be cut short? I had so many questions, and to see someone who still can laugh was strange, but refreshing. I was intrigued by this mysterious guy.

I had just checked in when I spotted Dean again, he was wearing another Led Zeppelin shirt this one was a little tighter over his chest so I wasn't going to complain. I shouldn't check out a cancer patient, but he looked so hot, and a looking never hurt anyone. Right?

"Hey Dean, how are you?"

"Castiel, hey what's up?" Dean looked surprise to see me or at least surprised that I came and sat over on the couch with him.

"Oh ya know, waiting for the doc to see how my treatment is going. What about you? How are things going for you?" I couldn't get over how green Dean's eyes are they are really distracting, especially up close.

"Yeah the same have to come in once a week to see where I stand." Dean's eyes were looking me up and down, like he was trying to figure out for himself what I was dealing with. No matter the reason, it still made me burn all over.

"So Castiel, what brings you here? We all know that everyone here is suffering with some type of cancer, but you don't look sick."

"Ha well it's still too early for me to look sick, so thank you, I'll take not looking sick as a compliment!" The blush Dean got was cute, I wanted to make it happen as much as possible, it was going to be my new mission.

"As far as what I'm "suffering" with, I have leukemia. I was in remission for a couple years, but found out recently its back."

"That sucks man, I'm sorry although it does explain one thing to me."

"Oh yeah and what would that be?" I knew the confusion I felt was evident in my voice, but there was curiosity as well.

"Nothing bad just had me thinking about how good you are handling all this. Now I know that you have had experience. I was starting to think I was the only one who wasn't handling the new very well."

Now I was confused. Here Dean sits, trying to tell me that he isn't handling the news well? Did I imagine our previous encounter and the calm exteriority that he showed?

"I guess I have been through all the motions before that it makes it…easier this time. It still sucks, but I went through all the stages of anger, grief, enlightenment, that I just skipped it this time. I have to say though I was thinking the same of you though. I have never seen anyone just laugh and smile as much as you did last week. Even for me it was refreshing."

Apparently something I said was funny since Dean started throwing his head back and laughed. I didn't find anything laugh worthy but being able to see Dean smile even if I didn't get it, was okay with me.

"Man dude that was all an act. My mom and brother are having a hard time so I have to be calm and collected in front of them. I can't let them see all my questions and insecurities right now. I'm really a mess inside. I'm glad to see that it is working though."

"I remember that. I haven't even told anyone that mine is back, they went through enough last time. I just can't put them through it again, not yet anyways. "

"It took a lot of convincing to be able to come here by myself today. It's like they never want me to be alone since they found out, it's infuriating sometimes. My brother asked if he could move in with me, he says it's so he can be closer to his school and girlfriend, but I know it's so that I won't be alone. "

"What do you have?"

Fixing those green eyes on me, I got lost in them. Yet again. I saw so many emotions swimming in them. I didn't know this guy, not really, but I didn't like seeing the hurt, anger, frustration, sadness, or the longing for comfort in them. Right then, I made it my mission to fix it, to help him through this.

"I have liver cancer. I always heard that you can get it by drinking too much and when you are older, turns out none of that is really true."

We got quiet after that, neither one of us looking at the other, lost in our own thoughts. It wasn't awkward in the least, but since our time was short here in the waiting room I wanted to make the most of it.

"Well I know one thing though, you admitted you have been thinking about me Dean. I'm wondering how I should think about that…"

Ha this blush was even cuter than the previous one. He has to know that he looks beautiful like this, flustered, twining his hands nervously, yes he is absolutely beautiful like this.

"Um…yeah…well you know you did make quite the impression." That made me smile. I'm sure he means it innocently, but I like it nonetheless.

"What kind of impression was that?" I try asking innocently. I don't think he bought it though.

"You know Cas, the head tilting thing you do is cute, but right now it's giving you away. You aren't as innocent as you are trying to seem." Dean was smirking, but he is going to start something he won't be able to finish.

"Castiel, come on the doctor will see you now." Anna came out informing me. Standing up I had to do one more thing that might throw him off balance.

"Guess you will have to find out just how innocent I am…or how bad I am." I threw a wink over my shoulder for good measure. I was almost at the door when Dean called me back over to him. He handed me a piece of paper with a number scrawled on it.

"I'm free tonight, if you wanted to grab a bite to eat? I'm interested in seeing just how innocent you are. So call or text me and let me know when and where."

Damn! It's not common for someone to render me speechless but Dean has. So without a word I followed Anna back to see the doctor.

Dr. Milton was my oncologist, had been through my previous stunt with leukemia and was now as well. He was a man in his late 40's who had decided from an early age to help those with cancer, after watching his mom suffer for years with brain tumors. He was nice, stern when he needed to be, but someone who was willingly to listen to anything anyone had to say. He was short, only coming to my shoulder on my 6'0 foot frame, with graying hair, warm brown eyes and a soothing voice that usually I listen to. Right now however, it felt like he wouldn't stop talking.

Of course my mind right now is on Dean and the infuriating smirk he had on his face when he was giving me his number. Not only did he surprise me with handing it to me in the first place, but I was surprised to see that he was flirting with me! I had him pegged as straight. Of course he could be doing it in fun, which in that case I could have an endless supply of entertainment watching him blush like he does. It sure would make coming here weekly more bearable.

"Castiel, have you even been listening to me?"

Oh right, I'm not here to think about Dean, I'm here to talk about my treatments.

"Uh, yeah Dr. Milton I apologize my thoughts are elsewhere right now. I'm sorry please continue."

Sighing, he came around to prop himself on the corner of the desk trying to continue with what he was talking about.

"I was asking if you had anything to add to what I was saying, but seeing how you weren't paying attention just tell me how you are feeling? Any side effects that I should know of?"

"No sir, my appetite is about the same, and so is my energy but nothing else to report." He gave me a small smile, which I returned, but we both know that this is the best it's going to get for a while.

"Alright, well I won't keep you anymore today you are free to go and enjoy the rest of your day. Remember to inform me of any changes you might experience."

"Yes sir, and have a good day yourself!" With that I left his office, making my way back to the waiting lobby wondering if Dean was still there. I still hadn't made my mind up about meeting up with him. There were definitely pro's and con's to both options.

"So I saw you and Dean hitting it off pretty well, what's up with that?" Anna came strolling up towards me, I can tell she was looking for some juicy gossip. She should know me better.

"Nothing just trying to make conversation with a cancer kid, looked like he could use someone to talk to."

"Well he can talk to me anytime, he is so hot!" She had this dreamy look on her face one I wish I could force off, but I'm not that mean.

"I don't know about that, but he is pretty cool. I gotta go Anna but I'll see you same time next week." Dean wasn't in the lobby, but the look on Anna's face help me make my mind up about tonight. Taking my phone out I decided to text Dean.

**Hey Dean, it's Cas.**

I didn't have to wait long for a response.

**Hey Cas been thinking about my offer?**

I could practically feel the smirk that he had on his face right now, definitely time to wipe it off.

**Actually yes I have. Meet me tonight at The Bistro around 7 and make sure you wear something sexy that brings out those eyes. ;)**

Smiling, I got in my car but waited for his response before I started driving back home.

**You got it, only if you wear those pants you were last week that really shows off your ass ;)**

His response, needless to say, surprised me but I knew now that I was in trouble.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This story came out of nowhere, but felt like it needed to be heard.  
This is my first attempt at a multi chapter story so please bear with me. I'm wanting this to read like Cas is writing his story, so hopefully that comes across with this. This is unbetaed so all mistakes are mine! Btw I think you know I don't own SPN, if I did, well Cas and Dean would be together, it wouldn't just be a fanfic! **

**A/N 2: Thank you for all the reviews, favorites and followers, it's pretty cool. I know where I want this story to go, just having trouble getting there, so thanks for being patient! **

I have always had this thing about being late, and since I was meeting Dean at 7 naturally I arrived 15 minutes before. I couldn't believe how long it had taken me to get dressed, if Gabriel had been there I'm sure he would have called me a girl since I had tried on almost everything I had before I decided on my outfit. I think I picked good though I wore the tight skinny jeans that Dean had requested and a blue dress shirt that made my eyes pop. I wish I had more time to do something with my hair, although after years of trying I knew it was pointless.

I wasn't sure what I was wanting out of this, that's what confused me about all this. At first, it was wanting to befriend Dean maybe help him through this point in his life, but now what? Dean was certainly hot, funny, kind and caring, but I couldn't decide what his game was? Was he wanting a friend, although he was flirting too much to be only friends, did he just want a quick lay, someone to help him forget for a while, or was he wanting something more? It was probably too early to think about all that, I just needed to relax and let what happens happen. If nothing else, making him blush was enough for me.

My thoughts were interrupted, and at a good time, when the man himself came in and damnit if he didn't look gorgeous. He had on a pair of jeans, not as tight as mine, but enough to show case what he was offering, a green shirt, that sure enough made his eyes pop but the leather jacket did it for me. He looked badass, with the jacket. As my eyes were taking in all that was Dean Winchester, I noticed that the hostess pointed over to me, and he started walking towards me with a glint in eyes that spoke volumes. I was royally screwed.

"Hey Cas." Dean took off his leather jacket slowly, while keeping eye contact. It was like getting a taste of what I wanted, and I wanted more.

"Hello Dean. I'm glad to see that you listened and wore something that brought out your eyes, you look good."

"Yeah well I'm not the only one who listened I can't wait till you stand so I can check out your ass again. I'm sure it looks edible in those jeans." Looked like Dean was bring his A-game tonight, this was going to be fun! Winking at him, I smirked and continued with this back and forth game we had going on.

"Yes it does, you look edible yourself. It's taking a lot of self-control to sit here and not take a taste for myself. "

Before Dean could retort, a waitress came over to get our orders.

"Good evening, and welcome to The Bistro, I'm Jenna and I'll be taking care of you tonight. What can I start you out with?" Jenna was pretty, long dark hair, blue eyes, a kind smile and chipper to top it off.

"Hello Jenna, I would like a glass of water please." I said smiling at her.

"Yeah I'll take the same, thank you."

"Alright, be right back with that." I noticed Jenna never once looked at Dean, but Dean never looked at her either. It was quiet for a few moments, both of us starring at the other. It wasn't awkward, but I could tell Dean wanted to say something; his mouth kept opening and closing.

"What are you thinking about? You look like a fish right now, opening and closing your mouth that way. If you have something to say you can just say it." Dean looked a little embarrassed but he took a deep breath and asked anyway.

"Well I was wondering about your…condition. When were you first diagnosed, how did it come back, what are your treatment plans?" Ah the one thing I was hoping he didn't want to talk about, and he does.

"Well I was 15 when I was first diagnosed, I was tired all the time, and had a constant fever and after some testing and scans, found out I had leukemia. It was horrible at first, my parents and siblings took it hard, I always felt like I had to be strong for them you know."

"Yeah I completely understand that, must have been hard though being a teenager and going through that." Dean was moving his hand closer to mine as the waitress came back with our drinks.

"Here you go gentleman, have you decided on what you would like to eat? An appetizer maybe?" Jenna said, smiling at me.

"Dean do you know what you would like?"

"Um..I haven't looked at the menu honestly, but I'll have whatever you are having. I trust you to pick something delicious." Laughing I opened the menu and picked the first thing I saw.

"I guess we will both be having the Beef Wellington please."

"Good choice, is there anything else I can get for you in the mean time?" I would have taken that innocently, had she not thrown in a wink. Handing her the menus, and looking at Dean I figured now was the time to let her know I wasn't interested.

"Not unless my date needs anything?" Maybe I should have made sure that it was okay to say that since Dean was now blushing.

"No I'm good thanks."

"Very well, I'll be back shortly with your food." She looked a little miffed that I was on a date, but smiled and went to put our order in.

"Sorry hope you didn't mind that, I just didn't want to give her the wrong idea about me." Dean laughed at that, that sound alone put my mind at ease. I didn't want this to turn awkward.

"It's fine Cas, truth be told I was going to say something at some point if she didn't stop flirting with you."

"Don't tell me you were jealous already?" Leaning his elbows on the table, Dean looked at me for a moment then smirked.

"Maybe, maybe not but tonight your attention belongs to me so please continue with your story." Damn bossy Dean was pretty sexy. The thoughts racing through my mind at this point was not of the G or even PG variety, but I needed to get rid of those before I was sporting a hard on for the rest of the night.

"Hmm well..like I was saying, my parents and siblings took it hard, but it felt like I was living in a trance. I was scared, scared of living or dying, but it wasn't until I started chemo and losing my hair that I became terrified. When I found out that the treatment worked and that I was in remission I thought my wishes all came true. I was told there was a 40% chance of it coming back but after living a cancer filled life for almost 2 years I just wanted to live."

"What did you do?"

"First thing I did was take my parents along with my brother out to celebrate, then told them I was going to study abroad for a year. They weren't very supportive, wanted me to stay close to home for a while, but I wanted to see more of the world. We used to take family vacations every year, but when I got sick that stopped."

Dean was listening intently to what I had to say, it was nice, it had been a long time since someone let me talk.

"I went to France for a year and went that was over, kept making my way across Europe. I was actually in Rome when I started getting sick again." Dean's hand covered mine on top of the table, as I continued, giving me comfort or strength I'm not sure, but it felt nice.

"It hit me hard and fast this time, something Dr. Milton is concerned about but I'm taking my medicine and hoping for the best. What about you? When did you find out?"

"I'm sorry Cas that sucks. I couldn't imagine going through this twice in one lifetime." Dean gave my hand a squeeze; he leaned back and took a deep breath.

"My story now huh? Well I found out after I broke down and went to the doctor. For a few weeks I didn't have an appetite, was nauseous all the time, and was a little swollen, my doctor was concerned from the start but I didn't pay much attention. It wasn't until I started having pains in my shoulder and stomach and I thought maybe he was on to something. I found out last week that it was liver cancer, and like you know started my treatment today."

"I don't know much about liver cancer what are some of your options?" I was trying not to frown and let him see that, but the few things I did know, didn't leave much hope for him.

"Best case scenario, the medicine will work and nothing else will have to be done, worst case scenario, I will have to have a transplant although most people die before that happens."

I couldn't believe how Dean just shrugged like dying was his only option in the end. This beautiful man in front of me, looking as if the worst case happens he wouldn't fight, maybe this was my reason for meeting him. To help see you should always fight, there is always something to fight for.

"Alright gentleman, I bring you food!"

All night I kept thinking if Jenna had the best or worse timing, this time I was thankful for the interruption.

"Now this is one of the chef's specialties, I hope you enjoy and let me know if there is anything else I can get for you."

"Thank you Jenna, I think we are okay right now." As she walked away, I was about to remark on how he should fight no matter what, but one look at Dean and I could tell we needed a subject change.

"I hope you enjoy this, I have no idea what it is or how good it is."

"Believe me Cas, when it comes to food I'm not hard to please." Winking he took a bite, the maon he made me smirk.

"Should I leave you alone with your plate?"

"You're just jealous it's not you I'm moaning for."

"Not jealous, I won't make you moan just once, you will be moaning for hours until I'm done with you." I winked when he stopped eating and starred at me, mouth slightly open. I looked right back at him, daring him to comment.

"Can't wait." Winking at me one more time, he went right on eating. Conversation during dinner was easy after that, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed myself. I found out, that Dean didn't do too hot in school but his brother was apparently a genius, and how he liked picking on Sam about his new girlfriend. Apparently they are connected at the hip or was until Dean got sick. He just got done telling me a story about how he caught Sam with his tongue down his girlfriend's throat when he came in on a "study session" and how he never let Sam live that down.

Dean's laugh was contagious, I didn't find his story that funny, but when Dean laughs I can't help but laugh with him. It felt like no time at all that we were paying and leaving the restaurant, I was sad to see the night end. I think Dean was too, judging on how he was jiggling his keys.

"I had fun tonight Cas, thanks for this. It was nice getting out."

"Dean you look like a girl waiting for the boy to kiss her goodnight, if you want me to kiss you all you have to do is say so." Have I mentioned that I love to see that blush on his cheeks. Before I could kiss him, he grabbed my waist pulling me towards him and suddenly I felt his lips on mine.

People always say that the best kisses are those that make you see sparks, well I didn't see sparks but I did see and feel an explosion of them. One of his hands were at the back of my neck, playing with my hair there while the other one was still lingering on my hips, I had to hold on to his arms for support. His lips were moist, and tasted like potatoes, meat, and mint something that should have turned my stomach but made me want more. It was over too soon for my liking, but it was probably for the best. A little longer and I would have had my way with him right there in the middle of the sidewalk.

Pulling back, we just stood there looking at each other before he bent down one more time to place a small chaste kiss on my lips.

"Been wanting to do that all night."

"Hmm me too. I need to get going though I need to be up early. I had fun though Dean we should do it again."

"Yeah definitely, I'll txt you later. Have a good night Cas." With that he walked down the street to his car, looking back one time and throwing a wink at me. Touching my lips, I couldn't help but think that this boy might just be the death of me.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This story came out of nowhere, but felt like it needed to be heard.  
This is my first attempt at a multi chapter story so please bear with me. I'm wanting this to read like Cas is writing his story, so hopefully that comes across with this. This is unbeta'ed so all mistakes are mine! Btw I think you know I don't own SPN, if I did, well Cas and Dean would be together, it wouldn't just be a fanfic! **

**A/N 2: Thank you for all the reviews, favorites and followers, it's pretty cool. I know where I want this story to go, just having trouble getting there, so thanks for being patient! **

I always found the stories that couples tell you about them and how it only took one look, touch or kiss for them to know that they were meant for each other, or how they were always thinking about the other I always found them strange. Now however, maybe they weren't so strange. It was new and interesting to find myself thinking of one person constantly and wondering what they are doing, who they were with, how they were feeling, it was new to me. I had my share of ex's, well ex-lovers that is. I have always been good with one night and nothing more than that, it was always safer. I never wanted to form an attachment to anyone, not after the last time.

I was 19, had just crossed over into England, when I met Balthazar for the first time. He was older, mature, funny, witty, smart, and sexy everything that I thought I wanted and I fell hard for him. I had never been in a relationship until him, and it hurt when it ended. In hind sight it was only a matter of time before I caught him with someone else. He had always been flirty it didn't matter to him if it was a man or woman as long as they were attractive. Balthazar taught me that giving someone your heart when they never asked for it only brought destruction. I still remember the pain of finding someone I loved in bed with another person, the devastation I felt when I found out that there had been countless others, and the anger I felt when he told me that it was because he wasn't strong enough to be with someone who had battled cancer. I remember how good it felt to punch him before storming out of his flat. I never looked back.

I left England the next day, nursing a broken heart. I told myself that after this experience I was never going to let myself care for someone until I was positive that they felt the same for me. It wasn't until I woke up one morning next to a guy I couldn't remember his name, that I realized that I never did love Balthazar, I had a infatuation with him and had confused that with love. I still did everything I could to protect my heart and my feelings, if I could beat cancer surely I could protect myself from love. I have done a good job until now.

I didn't love Dean, not at this point but I did feel something for him. I'm not sure what I felt for him there were so many feelings swirling in my mind. I felt affection for him I admired him and his ability to hide his frustrations, anger and how scared he was so that his family would only see his confidence, I was attracted to him, and I did feel something with just a brush of skin, and knowing these things scared me. I done a good job of protecting myself but I knew Dean could break down all my layers and get me to fall for him and he eventually did just that.

The day after my date with Dean was Friday and as much as I loved my job at the library I was glad that the weekend was upon me, it meant no work for 2 days! I had thought about asking Dean if he wanted to do something this weekend, but wasn't sure if it was too soon. My phone alerted my to a new text message which was from Dean, maybe he had been thinking the same thing.

**Heya Cas, hows it going? **

Then again maybe not either way I couldn't help but smile, at least I knew he was thinking about me.

**Hello Dean. Good, working right now only 2 more hours to go before I'm free for 2 days. How are you?**

One thing that I liked about texting Dean, I didn't have to wait long for responses.

**Im good, would be better if you were here. I keep thinking about last night, I wanna see you again. **

So maybe we were thinking the same thing before I could reply back I saw Ms. White standing in front of me.

"Hello Ms. White, you ready to check out?" I could practically hear the smile in my voice.

"Good afternoon Castiel, I am. I was glad to see that there was a new shipment today, you know how I love my romance novels."

"Yes ma'am I would have called you today if you hadn't come in. How are you today?" Ms. White was one of our oldest regulars whose husband had died the previous year leaving her alone. She was one of my favorite customers, so I took extra care with her.

"Looks like I saved you a phone call then. I'm good, went to the doctor yesterday and still healthy as a horse he said, I see that you are having a good day. Don't think I haven't noticed you smiling for the last 10 minutes." She smiled a knowing smile, which made me blush.

"Yes ma'am it has been a good day." I think I mumbled when I spoke, but like any woman she heard anyway.

"I like seeing that smile on you, although I am curious to know what girl..or boy put it there?" To say I was shocked was a bit of an understatement. I never told anyone, well other than my family, that I was gay. To hear it from someone, especially a 80 year old woman was surprising.

"H..how did you know?"

She stood there for a moment the look she gave me was unnerving to say the least.

"You Castiel, even though I grew up in a time where it wasn't socially acceptable for homosexuals to be out of the closet doesn't mean that I share the same view. I have had my suspicions for a while that you were gay, I just hoped that you figured out that I don't care. I just wish you happiness."

I felt like an asshole. I should have known that she didn't care, she never said anything about lesbian couple that came in here every week, in fact she talked to them almost every time. My beeped again, telling me I had another message coming through.

"I'm sorry Ms. White I know you aren't like that. It is a boy, I met him the other day and yeah he does make me smile a lot."

"That's great Castiel, I'm glad. I have to get going, the cats need some food but I hope when I come in here that smile is still there." With that she turned and walked out the door, she definitely was a cool old lady. Checking my phone, I saw Dean had text me again.

**If you can't or don't want to that's fine Cas, I was only suggesting we hang out again. **

**No Dean I do, sorry I had a customer that came in and needed help. I was thinking earlier about asking you to do something this weekend. **

Hopefully he can suggest something they can do I had no ideas coming to mind.

**You got quiet on me, thought you were going to tell me you weren't interested. There is a party tomorrow night a friend of mine is having come with me. **

**Ok sounds fun. What time?**

I was honestly hoping of seeing him before then, but it was probably a good thing that it was tomorrow. The more time I spent with Dean the more time I wanted.

**I'll pick you up at 8 tomorrow. What are you doing tonight? Tomorrow is a long time to wait to see your sexy ass ;)**

**I can think of a few things I could be doing tonight, what did you have in mind? **

There definitely were a few things I wish I would be doing tonight, Dean being one of them I wasn't going to say that though. I wanted things with Dean to be different I wanted him to work for it, although that didn't mean I couldn't have a bit of fun.

**Come to my place tonight, we can watch a few movies have some pizza and just chill. **

Being alone with Dean at his house, near his bed is really going to test my restraint.

**Ok. Let me know when and where and I'll see you then. I need to get back to work. Oh and Dean the more meat the better…on the pizza. **

I wanted to face palm myself, I couldn't believe I said something that corny! I had no time to worry about it though, my shift was coming to an end and I still had books to re-shelve and some light cleaning that needed to be done. Dean texted me back and though he let me know the time and place it was the last comment that made me laugh and relax.

_I'll make sure you have enough meat. _

At least I wasn't the only one who was corny.

It was 6:40 twenty minutes before Dean had told me to come over and I was sitting in the parking lot wondering if I should go up already. He lived in a nice apartment complex, not nice enough for it to be gated, but nice enough not to worry about locking your car. Although you can't be too careful there. I spotted Dean's car, and what a beauty it was. I don't know a lot about cars, but I know this one was old, black, shiny and not one rust spot, he must take really good care of it. My own car was nice, newer than his, but I think anyone could tell I don't care about it like Dean cares about his car.

I always hate being early, hate being late even more, I had thought that it would take me longer to get ready and to find the place but of course everything had gone smoothly. I figured this was low key, so I just threw on a pair of jeans, a Bruce Springsteen shirt and called it done and with the directions Dean had texted me I got here without any problems.

I had been sitting outside for almost 10 minutes when I finally had enough and started making my way up to his apartment of course he lived on the top floor number 304. Raising my hand to knock, I heard something that made me stop and listen. Was that Dean singing? He didn't sound bad but didn't peg him for a Lady Gaga fan and that was definitely 'Born this Way' playing. I took a moment to compose myself, really the mental picture I had right now of Dean dancing around his house singing Lady Gaga was about to put me in a state of laughter, I went ahead and knocked. What I wasn't expecting is for Dean to answer the door in nothing but a pair of jeans and fuck did he look good.

"Hey Cas your early." My eyes raked all over his body taking in all that was Dean. His skin was the first thing I noticed it was sun kissed and beautiful, his shoulders and chest were broad but his stomach is what almost made me drool. He had a 6 pack that I wanted to run my tongue over and his jeans where laying low enough to see the V between his hips, another place I wanted to taste. Dean apparently noticed my lack of response by the smirk that he had on his face when I finally shifted my eyes back up.

"You know if you kept staring at me like you want to eat me alive my neighbors are going to start talking." He stepped back from the door enough to let me by, and as soon as the door shut I pushed him against it crushing our lips together. This kiss wasn't like our last one, this one was filled with passion and desire. We were grabbing each other, hands going everywhere as I bit his lip demanding entrance to his mouth. The taste of him was different today he tasted minty, with a hint of tobacco, something that was so Dean and I wanted more. Before I knew it, he switched our positions, never breaking the kiss and pinned me against the door, he held me like that before pulling away. We were both breathing heavy and when he opened his eyes I went from half hard to fully erect in 2 seconds. His usual green eyes were black with lust, his lips were swollen and when he shifted I could feel how hard he was, I was so close to letting him take me there.

"I take it you like what you see?" All I could do is nod, too scared of how my voice will sound at this moment.

"Hmmm I don't mind, I have been thinking about you since last night, been wanting to taste you again." He started nuzzling my neck, sucking, biting and planting little kisses where he could reach.

"Mmmm you smell good Cas, you taste even better though." I swear every time Dean kisses me I forget everything including my name, all I know is that his taste incredible, his lips dominating mine feels magnificent, and his hands on me makes me hot all over. I know if we don't stop now, I won't be able to control myself, so drawing strength from somewhere deep down and I break the kiss and push lightly at his chest.

"D..D..Dean." Damn him for making me turn into a puddle of mud! "You said something about pizza and a movie, if we don't stop now we will go hungry and never get around to watching that movie."

Dean looked at me like he was trying to solve some great mystery until his face relaxed and that smirk that I'm starting to think never leaves his face came back.

"You say it like that would be a bad thing Cas, but if you want food and a movie that is what we will do." Smiling he took my hand and led me to the couch where I saw 2 types of pizza laid out along with a couple movies and of course Dean for company, this was going to be a good night.

Conversation was minimal while we ate. Dean had made me pick which movie we were going to watch and not having seen either of the movies he picked I went with the comedy '50 First Dates' it was pretty funny. Somehow we went from sitting near each other to sitting beside each other with Dean's arm around my shoulders. It was pleasant and I was content to stay this way, Dean it seemed had other ideas.

"So Cas are you gay? I have been wondering this for a few days, kinda figured you are but wanted to ask either way." Dean looked sheepish as he asked, but it has been something that's been on my mind about him.

"Yeah I am, always have been. What about you? I have to admit that I pegged you for straight, although I'm glad you aren't." Dean's arm moved from my shoulder to wrap around my waist and pulling me closer to him smiling at me as he did so.

"Yeah not straight, but I have been with girls. I guess you could say I'm bi-sexual, although to be honest I don't like labels. I'm attracted to different people, right now though I'm only attracted to you."

"Can't say I'm going to complain about that." I said winking at him before I continued. "So your friends and family know then?"

Dean started laughing at that. "I take it if they didn't you would tell me you won't be my dirty little secret?"

"Definitely not, someone like me needs to be shown off not kept a secret." I was only half joking. I wouldn't end things with someone because they hadn't come out, but I wouldn't be okay with being kept a secret either.

"You do need to be shown off, you're too sexy not to, but people also need to know that you are mine. No need to worry though everyone I know knows. They were surprised when they found out of course it could have been I told them as I was introducing them to my boyfriend at the time. Figured I would kill two birds with one stone, ya know."

As much as I wanted to go back to the comment and me being his, I was more curious and the boyfriend he was talking about.

"How did they take the news?"

Dean was quiet for a few minutes I don't think he realized that he was tracing patterns on my side where his hand was still resting. Finally he started talking.

"I guess they took it as well as can be expected. My mom was cool with the whole thing, said she knew I liked him more than a friend for a while and knew it was only a matter of time before I told her I liked girls as well as guys. Sammy just shrugged and went on his way, but my dad he went ape shit. Told me that he wasn't going to have a gay son and that if I chose this lifestyle he wouldn't support it. It ended up being a big fight, one that was never resolved. My mom kicked him out later that night, two days later we found out he died in a car accident."

I was never expecting Dean to tell me something like that, he had been through a lot in his life and I didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry, Dean I couldn't imagine losing a parent even one that I had issues with."

He gave me a small sad smile and that broke my heart more than anything else.

"It's okay Cas, it was a couple years ago. Things happen for a reason because of that I'm closer to my family than I have ever been. It's also my motivation for fighting as hard as I can to beat this cancer, I can't leave them like dad did."

Grabbing Dean's face, looking into his eyes, I tried expressing everything I felt through my eyes. "You Dean are the most selfless person I know. I wish I could be more like you, I know that you will beat this, you will get better and have an amazing life. You have your mother, Sam, and me to help you through this."

Dean looked shocked, about what I don't know, but I did know I meant what I said.

"Cas, I promise you I'm not selfless but thank you." The kiss we shared then was sweet, chaste but held so many feelings it was also the moment that I knew that anywhere with Dean is where I wanted to be.


End file.
